i’m sorry that i never had enough depth
for you to dive underneath my skin
and build a fire beneath my rib cage
to keep you warm on the days you needed it the most
i am nothing but a roaring sea, my love
with violent waves and navy tears
i may seem beautiful from a distance
but once you step into me
you will find that i am empty of love
and i will always leave a bitter taste 
on your tongue
and pull you under
so that you can drown with me

our fire used to burn so bright
and when we kissed
you set my lips ablaze
but i didn’t care, because i needed
to be burned enough to realize
that love like this is never eternal
four months later and i’m beginning
to taste the apathy on your tongue
and the vacancy in your touch
and when we fuck i just want to put
it on a canvas to look at later
so that i know that we weren’t always
this empty

the only way i could describe you
is if i woke up at six twenty in the morning
and sat in the stillness
taking in the rays of light
seeping through my blinds
because you have always been that delicate
and graceful somehow,
always leaving a mark on the people you’ve ever loved
as much as i have loved you
i think that if it rained
if it poured for days
that you would be the calm after the storm
and the smell of the rain on the asphalt
all i wanted was to kiss your stained lips
and make you believe 
that there is such a thing as the grey in between
on the days where you felt nothing but darkness
in your heart

i look at you with feelings
while you glance at me
with nothing
but vacancy
we loved in fierce tidal waves
and our skies were always
the darkest shades of blue
and i feel like this love
is enough to make us both drown
i wanted you to be my anchor
while i was busy being your boat
but we can’t float forever
and this raging sea
will never have a calm

How long before someone realizes they can't ever be fixed?

It took me four years to realize. Try your heart out, never stop trying.

i hope it’s okay that i get goosebumps
whenever i imagine my limp bones
hiding under the frigid waves of her navy blanket
with memories and pain spilling from my skin
tell me what is more beautiful than being with
who holds the power to dissolve all of the agony
simply with the grace of their words
i never needed your pity, and i never needed you
to hold your umbrella over my head
i never told you that i love when my skies are grey
and whenever it rains, i love to put on my favorite dress
and dance until my legs become numb
numb like i have been for four years
and that this haze will never go away
you can’t fix me
you can’t fix me

i have always been an empty bed for you,
begging for you to sink your bones into me
and let me keep you warm if just for tonight
your scent was always shampoo and cigarettes
the only scent that could make me feel dizzy with

all i can ever make out 
is the silhouette of your chest

expanding out then in
to match the pattern of your breaths

that i have come to know so well,

just like the freckles on your back

that i’ve spent all my mornings counting

as if i were mapping constellations

and familiarizing myself with the terrain

of your muscle and bone.

i could never tell you that i’ve imagined

spending my life like this - being the 
cartographer of your body, 

charting your ocean eyes and your Sahara skin,

taking detours on the days where your

sky would crack open and you would

pour for days, relieving yourself 
of this terrible drought.

i’ve spent countless nights wandering

around your body, drunk off of your moonlight skin,

too drunk to notice that you were busy

folding into yourself 

on the days you should have been
folding yourself into me.

July 5th16

1 AM. the ceiling of my closet.
the safest place where i’d spend most nights
screaming to an invisible god
to take me away from this place.
darkness is a funny thing,
the way it makes you dizzy and
the way you used to make me feel
before our foundation turned to dust
now the only thing i know
as well as i once knew you
are the bruises on my legs
and the sharp edges i discovered
to make me feel something
other than this emptiness.

i’m still cracking open my skin
to find flowers in my veins
i think they are hiding somewhere
underneath the soil in my skin
all i can feel anymore is my chest collapsing
and my bones fucking shaking
at the thought of you being unhappy
anywhere but here
and god if i could tear off my skin
until i was nothing but bones
just to prove to you that i would
destroy myself just to restart with you
i would

May 25th26